An Interview with Pat Guppy - Part II

'An Interview with Pat Guppy' for 'Her Ladyshipness Magazine'
Questions posed by Hyacinth Bootley-Smythe

Q: You chose to have a quiet funeral, with only family and close friends attending. Why was that?

A: Well, as you can imagine, I am such an incredibly popular and well-loved local personage that the guest list, had I not decided to make it a small affair, would have been hundreds of pages long. To give you some idea of how well-loved my dear Benjamin was, the local postman actually cried when he heard the news. He could hardly contain himself. When the news reached the main depot it brought the entire service to a halt, and I'm told that the party they held in Benjamin's honour went on for two days. So you see, it would have been impossible to accommodate the huge number of people who would have wished to attend.

Q: It must have been a great comfort to have your children with you at such a difficult time. How are they coping with the loss of their father?

A: As you can imagine, they are grief stricken as they were so very close. They idolised Benjamin and he thought the world of them. Of course, they couldn't attend the funeral as they are always incredibly busy with immensely successful careers, and Robert does have his golf on Wednesdays, but they sent at least three text messages during the week following the funeral, just prior to the reading of their father's will. I am very fortunate to have been blessed with incredibly gifted children. Robert could have been a barrister if he'd ever studied Law.

Q: So, how many attendees were at the funeral?

A: Just me. It is how Benjamin would have wanted it. He liked nothing better than spending every waking moment with me. The countless hours he spent tending to our four-foot-square container garden tore him apart at times, he missed me so, but apparently geraniums require at least five hours of tending during the summer months so what was he to do? He was a very attentive man when we were together though. I do miss the suppers he prepared. Nobody could skin a porkpie quite like my Benny. His tripe and onions were second to none. Of course, the Queen and Prince Philip begged me to allow them to attend, but I said to Lizzie 'I can't have you letting the affairs of state go to pot while you make the journey over here, even if I am your dearest friend and more like a twin sister.'

Q: Your husband was cremated, and I believe there have been some issues surrounding the scattering of his ashes. Could you tell us a little about that?

A: It was Benjamin's most fervent wish that his ashes should be scattered at the sorting office of the local postal depot, but as of yet I have been unable to gain consent. Ideally, he wanted half of his ashes to be mixed with the black ink that is used to frank local letters on the way out, so that he could travel out in the vans to homes all across the land, but the postmaster has been most reluctant. I'm hoping that, if the inking doesn't go ahead, we will at least be able to get some commemorative stamps printed up, and that they will sally forth instead.

Part III will follow shortly...