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There are things I occasionally wonder. Like: why do they always warn you to wear clean underpants when you leave the house, in case you get 'hit by a bus'. Hello! If I get hit by a bus, I really don't think my underpants are going to be all that pristine, if you get my drift.

I also wonder why some fire and brimstone preachers blame natural disasters on the country's populace having displeased God. Gee, whilst no geophysicist, I would have thought tectonic plates have more to do with earthquakes and tsuanamis than that nation's residents' collective behaviour. These retards always point the finger, throw the lightning bolt and bible at anybody, and then when they're caught, start bawling like a teething infant: 'Ah have sinned against God-uh! Pleeeze forgive-uh me! Let us get kneebound and pray for the lord's forgiveness!' Never mind that most people see worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public. Sooner or later, these evangelical hypocrites are going to get caught, and there will be footage of them doing the rounds in which they can be seen (a) snorting cocaine from between the buttocks of a hooker; (b) engaging in aforementioned action, only whlst wearing a soiled nappy; (c) refer to (b) beforehand, only also with a pair of dirty underpants on their head; (d) swinging around on a rotary clothesline to which they have been harnessed, with a lit sparkler sticking their arse; (e) strutting around and crowing like a rooster, with rooster tail feathers sticking out their arse; (f) attempting auto-fellatio whilst porridge drips down their body from an upturned bowl on their head; (g) all of the above. Man, I am so going to laugh myself silly when I see that.

I wonder will my books become best sellers. Check them out on Zeus Publications, THey are called 'Calumny while reading Irvine Welsh' (adult satire) and 'Abernethy' (young adult fiction). You can read the first chapters of each.

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