When Pain Knocks You Down

My computer crashed last week. I suspect that few of you got this post. I don't mean to not post this week but want to send this one out once again. Thank you for understanding.  Micky
I lost my adult son 14 years ago. I lost him first to the drug culture while he was in high school. I lost him and his relationship to the family due to his manipulation and lying. He lost his own sanity as the drugs went from "recreational" to addiction. Once addiction took over, for all practical purposes, he was gone. All this took place over a 12 year period. The ultimate loss was when he took his life at age 26.
During my Christian walk I had purposely avoided pain, meaning I did everything I could to avoid it. I was as obedient as I knew how to be. I could not go hear speakers like Joni Eareckson when she came to our church to speak. For those of you who not know Joni, she became a quadriplegic during her teens. As a spokesperson for God, she travels the world as an ambassador of Christ.

Two weeks after receiving Christ into my life, I told my new Bible study teacher, "I will do anything God wants me to do in order to stay out of pain." I had no awareness at that time that my relationship with Him would be based on this motivation. So off I went with my new relationship with God.
Looking back on my motivation, I do not want to be too hard on myself or anyone else. First, I really did not know this motivation governed my walk with the Lord. God did. Secondly, God will take us any way we will come to Him. And this is how I came. Thirdly, He will work the lie I believed out of my life. The lie that said, "I can ward off pain if I am obedient to God." As I write out the lie, I am reminded again my trying to keep pain out of my life is not biblical. It is contrary to what Jesus told us.

• John 16:33 In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] Amplified

What I was saying to myself and God was, "MY works of obedience will be rewarded by God warding off pain.” This is legalism. Why? Christianity is not based on the external works of my own strength such as, "What can do for you God?" It will always be based on grace."What God can do in me and through me." Plus this lie is not honoring to God. Why? Because I would get the glory when rewarded by God for "MY" obedience. God operates from His standpoint of Grace (His unmerited favor). When anything good happens in my life it is because of God's mercy and love, not my obedience. Thus He gets the glory, as I know I could not have changed inside on my own or achieved what I did on my own.
So when pain began to knock me over, my response was not exactly an exemplary example that would lead to an outstanding testimony in the future. I was the proverbial basket case internally. I did not know how to fix the situation. My husband did not think our son was engaging in drugs. I was ashamed of what was happening and could not talk to anyone at first. I felt alone and frozen in my pain.

If you have ever been frozen with pain, you barely feel alive. The pain is a visceral internal feeling that seems to grab your inner parts and won't let go. I could not pray. I felt like a victim of some personal assault on my life. I was frozen in time, space, and pain. I told myself I was a failure as a mom and as a Christian. I was not holding up well in comparison to the many testimonies of joy in the midst of the circumstances that I had heard. There was no joy.

I managed to go on with my daily life. I did become pro-active though, going to Tough Love groups and going for counseling. It became apparent that neither I nor my counselor could change my son. She gave me suggestions of what to do like put him in inpatient, which we did two times; get him counseling, which we did, get him on meds, which we did etc. Since he was not changing I began to realize what could change was me. I could move out of the frozen pain into experiencing the peace that passes understanding that Jesus spoke of in John 14:27.

• Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]

I continued to see my Christian therapist..

One day upon entering my therapist's office, I was ready to cry "uncle.” I am sure God smiled as I said, "I do not care if the circumstances ever change. I just want to live life above the circumstances as Jesus promised." It was at this point I began ever so slightly to deal with the pain issue and my lie. As with any new door that is opened in our hearts, I learned a little here and a little there. As says “Line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little there a little. ( Isaiah 20:10 )

Over time the strong, frozen emotions began to thaw. When asked how I was doing, my response was, "I am here with you now and enjoying my visit with you." and meant it. How did this come about? I was in the mountains on a weekend and still frozen in pain. I walked alone to the top of a small hill because from this hill I could see the expanse of a beautiful range of mountains painted on a bright blue sky. As I sat there contemplating my son's fate, I didn't realize I had gotten lost in the beauty of the mountains. Suddenly I realized my heart was soaring with joy. I was not frozen in pain. It is possible to live above the circumstances even if for a tiny little while, I thought. God was making real in my heart His truth that I could live in peace one day at a time. It was no longer just head knowledge.

• Matthew 6:34 So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.

I knew this verse but it was in my head. This day it took hold of my heart and gave it peace. I realized it was possible to live in this moment and then the next moment and then the next moment and so on. My time in peace grew even as I still lived in the midst of the ongoing circumstances. This is not to say, life was a lark from then on, but once a person knows there is a healthy way out of their pain, the fear of the pain diminishes. And when the fear diminishes the pain and anxiety diminishes. You see, my great fear of pain was an additional catalyst for creating more pain as were my circumstances.

I began my own study of pain just as C.S. Lewis did. His study of pain was academic until he lost his new bride and then it became personal and experiential. For me the dread of this study was gone. I was hungry to know all there is about suffering. Learning to face pain and suffering was no different a process than the process of grief. If you are not familiar with those stages I will explain. First, I denied the pain existed. Second, I became angry it did exist. Third, I bargained with God: if I do this, then You will do this, God, Fourth, I became stuck in the depression of pain and finally, fifth, I accepted the reality of pain.

A friend once asked me in the middle of the circumstances, "How are you doing?" This thought popped into my head as I stated, "I am so glad that now I have enough of a self to stay with myself and not judge and condemn myself for the choices my son is making."

Do I like suffering? Absolutely not!! But I am committed to spending the rest of my life helping people get out of pain while learning to accept its existence.

Ending the War with Myself is the book I wrote to help people overcome any conflict that rages and stifles emotional and spiritual growth and development.
Some books that helped me.
• Dark Night Journey by Sandra Cronk
• When Heaven is Silent by Ronald Dunn
   Don't Waste your Sorrows by Paul E. Bellheimer
• The Wounded Healer by Henri Nowen
• The Burden of a Secret by Jimmy Allen
• Finding Purpose in Your Pain by V. Gilbert Beers