Widow Wreaths Havoc at Funeral Claims Sexy Septuagenarian

Report for The Sea View Mercurial, by Bob Hackitt.

Pat Guppy, well-known local doer of charitable works and widow of Benjamin Arnold Guppy, may face charges of assault, according to local sources, following an attack upon Mrs Floss Littleworth, also a senior citizen of Sea View. The alleged attack took place on the morning of November 5th, this year, when Mrs Littleworth arrived at the graveside of Benjamin Arnold Guppy, to pay her last respects to the man who she claims was her lover for more than a decade. After placing a heart-shaped wreath alongside the grave and blowing a kiss, Mrs Littleworth claims that she had just begun removing a lace garter from her left leg, to place on the deceased's coffin, when Mrs Guppy leapt forward in a fit of rage and proceeded to grab the wreath before beating her rival over the head with it.

'She was like a woman possessed,' Mrs Littleworth said, 'swearing and hitting me over and over. I thought she was going to kill me. She might have done if Tom Axley hadn't intervened.'

Mrs Guppy, who was recently interviewed by Her Ladyshipness Magazine, dismissed Mrs Littleworth's claims.

'Benjamin could never have betrayed me with another woman. He didn't have it in him. He couldn't even climb a ladder. I was alone at his graveside and these allegations are beyond ridiculous. I am a well-known and much-loved local celebrity, friend to ex-President Bush and advisor to the Dalai Lama; I don't have the time, energy or inclination to go about bashing senile old ladies.'

Tom Axley, who claims to have been another mourner at the funeral, said that he took hold of Mrs Guppy, removing her from the scene just as she was about to turn her attentions upon the priest conducting the service, but does not blame her for the outburst.

'She was provoked,' Mr Axley said. 'It's not on, turning up to another woman's husband's funeral wearing a French maid's costume and starting to take bits of it off right in the middle of the 23rd Psalm.'