Lazy Dog Walker by John C. Bieber

I recently read about a dog-owner in London who was fined and
barred from driving for six months after taking his pet for a stroll while
sitting behind the wheel of his car. Prosecutors said the man was spotted
driving slowly along a country lane while holding his dog's leash through the
car window as the animal trotted alongside. The dog owner pleaded guilty to not
being in proper control of a vehicle, but told the court that "a lot of
people exercise their dogs in that manner." Really? I guess the guy was
too lazy to clear all of his clothes off of his treadmill for the dog to use in
the man’s bedroom at home.

This story gave me a flashback to the “Vacation” movie with the
Grizwald’s and aunt Edna’s poor dog tied to the back bumper of Clarke’s station
wagon. At least the English dog wasn’t
pulling the lazy man’s car like Max pulled the Grinch’s sleigh in “How the
Grinch Stole Christmas”. I bet the
English pooch guided the lazy chap back and forth to the pub.

There seems to be all sorts of advances in the name of laziness. Have you heard about teenagers and young healthy people who rent the electric
mobility chairs used by the elderly or handicapped folks at amusement parks or
shopping malls? They don’t want to break a sweat spending mom and dad’s money.
The Segway personal two wheeled transporter is a good tool for mall security
guards and they definitely get the cops who patrol for parking tickets to the
donut shop faster. In a semi-related story, there is an already hugely obese
woman here in the US who wants to become the world’s heaviest (fattest for the
non-politically correct) woman. She wants to go over 1,000 pounds (half a ton).
She said she pays for all the food she
now eats by running an online business where insane people pay to watch her
eat. Only in America, the land of
opportunity.

There are other Americans who hire people to play online videogames for them to boost their scores and get to advanced levels. Multi-tasking dual
income overachieving hyper competitive yuppies who want to win, even if you
have to pay someone else to do it for you.
I saw a news story about these sad little gamers huddled in cheap
apartments in one of the former iron curtain ania, akia or avia countries with
a dozen computers and their joyless joysticks playing for 73 rubles and hour
(about $2.50) Talk about pay to play. Too lazy to slump over your computer and
play your own video game?

I’m sure there is some iPhone app for virtual workouts. “Yeah I gained 15 pounds over winter but my virtual self can run a 4.3 forty yard dash,
bench press 300 pounds and I did the Ironman Triathlon last night on-line
before watching Leno.”

I think we really are a few decades away from living in a real “Matrix” world. Ready to be plugged into your pod and live and work on the
“net”? Move over Neo, you can call me
“Morpheus.”

John can be contacted through his website www.JohnCBieber.com