An Interview with Pat Guppy - Part I

'An Interview with Pat Guppy' for 'Her Ladyshipness Magazine'
Questions posed by Hyacinth Bootley-Smythe

Q: Firstly, I'd like to offer my condolences for the loss of your husband. Perhaps you could tell us a little about your husband?

A: Benjamin was a good and honest man, loved by everyone who knew him. He never took a drink in his life or raised his voice to a living soul. He was a good Christian man, very involved in the church and a doer of charitable works. Very much like me really. I am known throughout Sea View for my charitable works. In fact, I am known throughout the entirety of Her Majesty's glorious kingdom for my good deeds and sweet nature. You can ask any member of the Royal household about that. Why, Tony (Blair) was commenting just the other day, when he popped in for tea and an assortment of French Fancies, that I could be in with a chance for next year's honours list.

Q: Is it true that you've been campaigning to have a monument erected in Sea View, to commemorate your husband's life?

A: Oh yes, campaigning very hard indeed. I have the backing of the Mayor and every high ranking member of the police force. I'm sure we'll get the monument in time, once funds are raised.

Q: What form are you hoping the monument will take, and how are you going about raising the money?

A: It will be a statue of me. I thought that would be a fitting memorial. After all, Benjamin loved me so. He'll look down from Heaven and smile, I know it, when he sees me watching over the good people of Sea View. It will be visible right across the town too, as we're aiming for at least eighty feet in height. There's to be a plaque, I have the inscription written down here: 'In memory of Benjamin Arnold Guppy, husband of well-known local celebrity, doer of good deeds, and much loved campaigner for the welfare of squirrels, Dame Pat Guppy.' We're hoping to raise the money by closing down a local soup kitchen and community hall. The money saved there should be enough to cover the costs.

Q: It's been a difficult time for you. I hear that there was a mishap whilst your husband's body was being transported and you're planning on suing the coroner for negligence.

A: Oh, you've no idea how I've suffered, reliving the events of that evening. My poor Benjamin. The ambulance broke down on the way to the morgue and we were stuck on the motorway.
Apparently the communications system which was installed in the vehicle wasn't functioning correctly and subsequently no call for assistance could be made. I was forced, in a state of grief, to flag down passing motorists to ask for the use of their car. When several minutes passed and no motorist stopped to help, it was suggested by one of the ambulance drivers that I 'show a bit of leg!' When a motor vehicle was finally commandeered, it was too narrow, and my Benjamin was a little stiff, so he was forced to make the journey with his feet sticking out through the window.

Part II will follow shortly...